zooropa

vorsprung durch technik

You should beware the ides of March because you might sneeze while peeing and then you have to clean up a big mess and I’ve said too much.

— sween

Having written up a list of the astounding number of things I have to do today, I am now free to browse and revise my old Netflix ratings.

— scottsimpson

I bet if firemen could talk they’d say, “hey everybody, please stop lighting so many things on fire all the time!

— robhuebel

I keep working on my personal brand like the experts say to, but so far I’m not any more successful and these cows are PISSED.

— al3x

I keep boxes of Cadbury Creme Eggs in my freezer year-round and I don’t care who knows it! Related: I’m single and no one loves me.

— beeborg

Fun night everyone! Remember: plumbing industry awards next week, participation is mandatory. We do all industries.

— johnmoe

the person operating kathy ireland is definitely not passing up this opportunity to showcase his artistry.

— hehewaitwhat

Dear Sarah Jessica Parker: When I sent you the hair from my last 20 haircuts, I didn’t think you’d actually WEAR them! Many thanks.

— paulandstorm

When you need an extra bit of gravitas for your Best Picture intro, you go with Ryan Reynolds. No-brainer.

— marklisanti

The only people who look in mirror and think ‘perfect!’ are Bradley Cooper, Gerard Butler and serial killers.

— kellyoxford: