A collection of toots I find funny. Follow the authors, don't follow me.

If you teach a child to fish, they’ll complain that they hate fish and that they’re bored and they hate you and they have to pee.

— @ joeyellis

I hope if I become famous it’s for something amazing and not my impression of Robert De Niro’s pee shiver face.

— @ colludos

There’s no proof in this pudding! I’m at the bottom and all I’ve found is regret and longing…for more pudding.

— @ icupcake

We did it, everyone. We used not-science to bring measles back from the brink. Round of applause for us.

— @wilto

Buzz Aldrin, went to the moon and took 5 photos. You go to the bathroom and take 26 selfies. It’s now clear what’s wrong with society.

—  Beardwich

Face my problems or dip things in french onion dip?

— @Hobo_Mom

Saving a Tom Hanks movie for when there’s nothing better to see is called putting it in your Hanks bank is a joke I just said on Twitter.

— @lonelysandwich

Weather: Hey North America, what’s cooler than cool.

North America: ICE COLD


— @erinsorensen

I would make a crappy flight attendant. I’d want to see what things I could toss into sleeping passengers open mouths.

— @Saskam0

I want to do a “Parent Trap” remake where the trap is a pit of tigers hungry for screenwriters who give children of divorce false hope.

— @BoobsRadley