“You mean to tell me a guy named Captain Hook loses a hand and ends up needing a hook? Truth is stranger than fiction, people.” — @badbanana
Mike searched the terms white people crying for an hour on Google, then this beauty showed up on my desk.
“Damn alarm clock. Wakes me up every time.” — miss_tanis
“Is there a terrible French Canadian dressing called Celine Dijon?” — joshweller
“If your text message is too long I just assume the end of it’s about a treasure hunting buffalo that can operate a crossbow.” — hobohandferg
“Reinventing myself, one roll of toilet paper hung the opposite direction at a time.” — pclothespress
“I’m starting a new “deals” service. It sends u ZERO emails to inbox, and u save 100% off all the stuff u dont buy that u didn’t need anyways” — abrams
“I just burped. Three people clapped. I’m just doing what I love. If that makes people happy, well, then we both win.” — hellnope.
“My friends, love is better than anger. Let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world” - Jack Layton, Aug 20, 2011” — jianghomeshi
“HP is actually making people pay to pick up their trash. Genius.” — PowerLlama