“In protest of Ellen leaving, I will not watch American Idol. I began this protest 8 years ago.” — BorowitzReport
“Self-esteem tip: instead of calling your teeth “crooked,” think of your teeth as being “European.” — atencio
“
God. It feels like I’ve been stuck in this marriage forever.
Oops. Did I say “marriage”? I meant traffic.
” — damselesque“I wish Apple put more emphasis on the fact that you can make their computers talk like robots right out of the box.” — Just_Alison
“Spoiler alert: I end every meeting by saying “you just got met” and punching the person in the face.” — atencio
“By the way people are staring at my bow tie here in Calgary, you’d think they’d never seen a giant homo before.” — youngamerican
“I bet a burger made out of ham would be so delicious, but what would we call it?!” — lianamaeby
“SUPER excited that 6 of my poems have been chosen for inclusion in “The 100 Greatest Poems of All Time (Edited by Scott Simpson)”.” — scottsimpson
“Watching “The Shining” for the millionth time. Each time I watch it I pick up a new parenting tip.” — badbanana
“Fortunately, my wife only ever asks me who I imagine in my sexual fantasies (her), not what she sounds like (Andre the Giant).” — scottsimpson