“You should beware the ides of March because you might sneeze while peeing and then you have to clean up a big mess and I’ve said too much.” — sween
“Having written up a list of the astounding number of things I have to do today, I am now free to browse and revise my old Netflix ratings.” — scottsimpson
“I bet if firemen could talk they’d say, “hey everybody, please stop lighting so many things on fire all the time!” — robhuebel
“I keep working on my personal brand like the experts say to, but so far I’m not any more successful and these cows are PISSED.” — al3x
“I keep boxes of Cadbury Creme Eggs in my freezer year-round and I don’t care who knows it! Related: I’m single and no one loves me.” — beeborg
“Fun night everyone! Remember: plumbing industry awards next week, participation is mandatory. We do all industries.” — johnmoe
“the person operating kathy ireland is definitely not passing up this opportunity to showcase his artistry.” — hehewaitwhat
“Dear Sarah Jessica Parker: When I sent you the hair from my last 20 haircuts, I didn’t think you’d actually WEAR them! Many thanks.” — paulandstorm
“When you need an extra bit of gravitas for your Best Picture intro, you go with Ryan Reynolds. No-brainer.” — marklisanti
“The only people who look in mirror and think ‘perfect!’ are Bradley Cooper, Gerard Butler and serial killers.” — kellyoxford: