Sometimes he hands me his finger so I can kiss a booboo. Other times it’s to show me a booger. I need to learn to look before I kiss.
I’m really sorry, Grandma. I got you on the waiting list, but right now Facebook is totally full.
— PBones
Nothing makes me sadder/angrier than seeing a lonely old man eating a kitten panini.
Actor F. Murray Abraham was named after a guy named Murray Abraham who his parents hated.
Hopefully someday our relationship will evolve from paypals to paygoodfriends.
— apelad
When my wife told me I was overdramatic, it was worse than a thousand Hiroshimas.
Just because I’m unemployed doesn’t mean I’m not busy. These mines aren’t gonna sweep themselves.
Paying $4 for a iced mocha at a coffee shop is a premium you pay for wanting a chocolate milk as an adult.
— willw
We don’t have an oven so I tried to kill myself by sticking my head in the dishwasher. Now my hair smells terrific! I CHOOSE LIFE
— fireland
My boys each have a friend over. Ugh, these kids could play video games all day. Ugh. Wait. These kids… Could play video games… ALL DAY!
